


Fireworks & Anxiety

by docmatthew



Series: Bene & Elton's Fic Exchange [1]
Category: Longmire (TV), Walt Longmire Mysteries - Craig Johnson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Henry is a damn superhero, Henry saves the day as per usual, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Walt is an awkward duck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 22:26:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7456236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/docmatthew/pseuds/docmatthew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the annual fireworks display of Absaroka County. Normally Calvin Ferguson runs it but this year he's passing it off to his son, Jim "The Ferg" Ferguson. Jim and Zachary's relationship is in a good spot and out of fear of messing that up Zachary attends the event even though fireworks have been a trigger for him since he got shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fireworks & Anxiety

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the-widow-twankey](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=the-widow-twankey).



> This is a gift to the beautiful Bene. She's badass and has been aching for a Jim/Zachary fic. Here it is. I wanted to get this posted on the Fourth of July but as you can see I missed that. By the way, I forget that not every reads the books but they call Walt's Bronco in the books "Bullet". Anyways, ENJOY!.

There had been a time when Zachary had enjoyed the Fourth of July. Once he would have excitedly watched the famous Absaroka County fireworks show. Now when he heard the pops, bangs, and booms of fireworks it was all he could do to not slide directly into a panic. Ever since he got shot loud noises had been a sort of trigger but most of the everyday things he could manage but fireworks had the added effect that they smelled of gunpowder. He sighed softly to himself as he debated just coming clean, explaining that he just couldn’t do it.

For fifty or so years Calvin Ferguson had been doing the grand show and this year Calvin would be passing on the not so metaphorical torch to his son, Jim “The Ferg” Ferguson. The same man that Zachary had been dating around seven months. Dating seemed like a loose term at this point. Zachary basically lived at Jim’s place, and almost every hour not spent at work was them at home binge watching random documentaries and FRIENDS on Netflix, relaxing on the couch, curled up together in bed, or attempting to cook but mostly failing. They had a nice little life going right now, and Zachary didn’t want to mess that up by not attending a very important event for Jim.

As the day approached he grew more anxious. He knew that building it up in his head was just going to make it worse but he couldn’t stop that. He sighed as he got ready to go out to the field where they would have the show. Vic was picking him up since Jim had to be there early to help his father out. Carefully Zachary put his little fold up chair in the back along with a small ice chest filled with water. Before climbing into the passenger side he checked to make sure he had his necklace on. He did.

The necklace was a gift from Jim. The idea was that Zachary could use it as a sort of stimming object. It was no secret that Zachary had twitches, tics, or whatever the doctors wanted to call it. He had them before the shooting but they had become much more predominate and constant since the shooting. So, Jim being so thoughtful had researched. He found stimming objects and had the necklace made. A thin, small, green stone that could just barely fit in his palm. Engraved was a spiral from the center to the outside walls. At first Zachary had been skeptical about using it but found that in times of higher stress and anxiety placing it in his palm against his forefinger and thumb and rubbing the spiral with his thumb did help ease the twitching and the over-stimulated feelings.

As he patted the front of his shirt to make sure he was wearing it he climbed into the truck with Vic. They drove out in mostly silence except the music that was played by the radio. It wasn’t uncomfortable. Zachary was a quiet guy as it was and Vic seemed pretty chilled out today. As they reached the field Zachary started telling himself he could do this. He was here for Jim. He could do this.

They stepped out of the car, sprayed down with the bug spray and settled into the crowd with ease. Jim spotted Zachary and Vic and waved at them with a huge smile on his face. Seeing that smile assured Zachary that he could do this.

By the time it was dark the whole show was set up. Zachary hadn’t gone over to talk to Jim because he didn’t want to distract him. Just as everyone started getting antsy for the fireworks Calvin stepped up and gave a sweet little speech about “handing off the punk” to his son, although he would be advising Jim until he was dead or blind. Once it was all done Calvin lit the big punk used for these fireworks and handed it off to Jim. The huge smile on Jim’s face was back as he got the punk and said thanks to his dad. He turned around and lit the first one.

The firework was the one with the long tube that shot out like a WWII mortar and made a loud bang again in the sky as the blackness was painted with different colored sparks.

The first sound had him. He felt the familiar feeling of panic rising up. The gunpowder smell wafted towards him. Carefully he took off his necklace and started running his thumb over the spiral. It was starting to calm him when another one of those fireworks went off. As round after around went off Zachary sank deeper into his panic, trauma, and flashbacks.

At the twelfth launch Vic looked over at Zachary to say something but found him curled up in his chair, his hand holding onto the stone so hard his knuckles were turning white. He had his face pressed to his knees but she could easily hear him asking for a Phil. Vic had been working with Jim for a long time but only just recently learned his first name and in all honestly didn’t know it well. When Zachary kept muttering about how he needed Phil she thought he meant The Ferg. She quickly went up to the platform where they were shooting things off. They were mid change when Jim caught her eye and came over.

“Hey, something is wrong with Zach.” She told his quietly. “He’s asking for you, I think.”

Jim didn’t have to be told twice. He gave the punk to his dad, saying he had to check on something, and took off for the chairs. Vic led him along to their set of chairs. Seeing Zachary in the state he was in broke Jim’s heart. He was glad that Vic and Zachary had decided to sit at the back of the crowd. No one needed to see this. He carefully knelt in front of Zachary, spotted the stone in his hand, and frowned. Zachary had never been so bad before.

“Zachary?” Jim says as softly as he can in the environment. “Zachary, what’s wrong?”

“I need Phil.” Zachary stated but didn’t move. “I need Phil, please.”

That name struck Jim hard. He knew what happened to Zachary and his brother. He knew Phil’s name. He knew the photograph that Zachary kept on his desk at the station. They had never explicitly talked about his brother though. There had been a few childhood stories or mentions but nothing beyond that. Jim figured it was still too painful to talk about.

Just as he was about to speak again another firework went off. It was a misfire which made it extra loud as it exploded too close to the ground. Jim started to turn to make sure everything was okay but Zachary launched himself at Jim, wrapping his arms tightly around his boyfriend as he asked for Phil again and started crying. Jim took the weight, held him close and kept his arms around him. He looked up at Vic as if she’d know what was going on.

“I think he might be having a PTSD…thing?” She supplied. “I saw a few cops back east react that way…sort of, to loud noises after being shot.”

“Tell my dad I had an emergency, please.” Jim frowned as he said that and stood up with Zachary held close. Vic nodded slowly as she watched Jim retreat to his car with Zachary held tight to him.

Jim was very careful as he helped Zachary into the car. He noticed that Zachary had cut his hand on the jagged edge of the stone and winced. He didn’t want to take the stone away from Zachary…He’d just clean it up when they got to a safe place.

As soon as Jim got in the car he drove off as fast as possible. At first he started driving back to his place but realizes that the fireworks would still be heard from his place or even at Zachary’s apartment. Jim nervously gripped the wheel as he took down Main Street, he glanced at Zachary to see that he was still panicked but was holding onto his shoulder. The shoulder the Jim knew had taken a bullet because he’d seen the scars.

Jim didn’t realize where he was going until they got on the dirt road that would take them to Walt’s cabin. He had no idea why he was going to Walt. Maybe because he thought Walt would be there and because his cabin was far, far away from any fireworks displays. The sight of the Bullet outside made Jim’s heart leap. If Walt’s Bronco was there then Walt would be too. As he pulled into the drive he climbed out as fast as he could and went around to Zachary’s side.

The door of the cabin opened and Walt plus Henry stepped out with frowns on their faces. Jim realize that he coming by like this may make it seem like there was a work related emergency. He looked up at them with pleading eyes as held the door of the passenger side open. Some sort of realization came over Henry’s face as he started down the steps and towards the car.

“I didn’t know where else to go…” Jim spoke and he could hear his own voice break a little. Walt was fallowing Henry a few feet behind.

“What has happened?” Henry asked as he came around to the car.

“Um…I don’t really know?” Jim admitted as he looked down at Zachary. “Vic and him came to the show and Vic said he just…started kinda freaking out, I guess. Kept asking for his brother…I don’t know, but maybe it’s like PTSD? I think he’s having a panic attack or flashbacks…” Henry’s hand came up to Jim’s shoulder and held him steady for a moment.

“You need to be calm, Ferg.” Henry said softly. Walt stood back a few feet with a heavily set frown on his face. “Freaking out will only make him worse, okay?” Jim nodded slowly. “May I help?”

“Of course.” Jim tried to keep his voice smooth and steady. How was Henry so calm?

“Zachary?” Henry crouched down in front of Zachary and helped him turn so he was sitting sideways in the seat with his feet on the ground. “Zachary?” He tried to catch Zachary’s eye. At the mention of his name Zachary looked up, his eyes wild and scared. He was twitching so bad that he couldn’t sit still. Henry carefully took his hands and eased the stone away, handing it off to Jim who held it close as he watched Henry work.

“I need you to focus on me, Zachary.” Henry continued. With Zachary’s hands Henry straightened them out, making his palms face up. Henry held his own hands over Zachary’s with his palms down. The twitching caused their palms to touch every few seconds. “Zachary, do the best you can to not touch my palms, okay?” There was a shaky nod from the young man in front of him. “Good. Now follow my breathing.” Henry instructed and gave a few deep breathes, allowing Zachary to follow. The slow, deep breathing seemed to ease Zachary a little and the focus on not touching Henry’s hands kept him in the present. Then Henry said something that seemed a little odd to Jim.

“Zachary, there are these three things which shine forth for all to see, which are not hidden. Which three?” Henry put forth the riddle and it caught Zachary’s slow attention. Something crossed his face but soon his scared features eased slightly but he didn’t say anything. He kept his eyes on Henry, who reminded him gently each time their palms touched and told Zachary to stay on par with his breathing. The moment stretched on and on until Jim thought this was useless but then Zachary spoke.

“…The disc of the moon shines for all to see; it is not hidden.” Zachary’s eyes stayed steadily on Henry who smiled just a little as he spoke. Zachary continued. “The disc of the sun does likewise. The Dhamma-Discipline of a Tathagata shines for all to see; it is not hidden.” He started nodding slowly like he was coming back into everything. “These are the three things.”

"It is the moon, the sun, and the truth." Henry said calmly. "Repeat those until you feel calm." Zachary gave a short nod and starts the mantra.

“The moon, the sun, and the truth…” Zachary spoke softly and slowly. The panic left his body each time he spoke those words. Henry carefully eased his hands away, sure not to touch as he went. He then looked up at Jim and asked for the stone silently of which Jim quickly handed him. Henry took Zachary’s hands and eased them together with the stone between his hands as Zachary said his mantra. “The moon, the sun, and the truth.”

Five minutes later Zachary was sagging forward, his elbows on his knees and his hands on the back of his neck. He was calm, eased out of his panic by the careful guidance of Henry. He started to spout apologies to all of them but Henry quieted him. Everyone stayed silent for a few more moments then Henry stood up.

“You both live in town. There is no way to avoid the fireworks.” Henry stated with a small frown. He glanced back at Walt who had stayed silent during everything. “You can stay here with Walt and me.” Henry said while still looking at Walt, who now was narrowing his eyes. “Right?” For a moment Walt seemed ready to protest but finally gave in.

“Right. Zachary needs to get that hand cleaned up anyways.” Walt pointed to the blood still on the young man’s hand. Zachary looked at it with some confusion. He couldn’t remember cutting his hand.

“Come inside. I will make tea that will help keep you calm.” Henry helped Zachary up from the low car. Zachary nodded and looked down as he stood before Henry.

Jim quickly went around to the trunk and got out his Absaroka Sheriff’s Department hoodie. When he had touched Zachary he felt cold. The four carefully made their way into the cabin. Jim stayed close to Zachary because he looked like a light breeze may knock him down. Once they were all inside Jim helped Zachary into the hoodie. Zachary was cold natured anyways and Jim had felt those freezing hands at night many times.

“Zachary, lay on the couch while I prepare the tea.” Henry said gently and got a nod in return.

“Hang on,” Walt said back as he got the first aid kit. “C’mere.” He waved Zachary over. As he there waiting for Walt to get out what he needed Zachary inspected the wound. It wasn’t too bad. “Okay. This’ll sting.” Walt cleaned the wound and Zachary hissed just a little. “Neosporin…” Walt mumbled. “And bandage.” He put a gauze pad down and then wrapped the hand in gauze. “Okay. Now couch.” He waved them off.

Quickly Jim sat down on the couch, an old thing that he was sure Walt had for way too long. Zachary kicked his shoes off and laid down on the couch, facing in with his head in Jim’s lap so that he faced Jim. Zachary carefully tugged the hood over his head and hide his face against Jim’s stomach. He was tired, embarrassed, and felt bad for ruining the night for three people. Jim placed a hand lightly on his shoulder and Zachary eased into it.

As they settled on the couch Henry settled into the kitchen to make the tea, taking things out of places that Walt didn’t even know was there. Walt watched from the edges of both kitchen and living room. Technically speaking his feet were in the kitchen but the living room opened up to the kitchen and he could hear Jim and Zachary from his spot.

“I’m sorry, Jim.” Zachary’s strained voice barely makes it to Walt’s ears. “I’m so sorry.” As Walt hears that he starts hoping Jim will say the right thing or else he may have to actually hit the young deputy on the back of the head.

“Zachary, you’ve no reason to be sorry. I’m just sad you didn’t tell me about the PTSD…we could have kept you safe, you know…” Jim explained softly and rubbed Zachary’s arm. Walt relaxed a little at that answer.

“You’ve been talking about this for weeks. Ever since your dad offered you the lead on this. I didn’t want to ruin it. And I have.” He sighed heavily and hid his face more. “This was supposed to be a big night for you.” He whispered but Jim shook his head at his boyfriend.

“I don’t care about any of that. Lighting fireworks doesn’t mean half as much to me as you do.” Jim explained quickly and tipped Zachary’s head backs so he could look at him. “I’d never light another firework again so long as you didn’t have to go through that.”

“Jim, I don’t want to ruin things for you.” He protested but his weak voice didn’t carry much fight right now.

“You’re not ruining anything, Zachary. I love you.” The words slipped out quicker than Jim could realize what he was saying. Those words hadn’t been spoke yet. They had both been a little afraid to say them yet they had come forward like Jim had said them hundreds of times to Zachary. This had to be the worst time to drop the ‘L’ word. Walt turned around and glared at the back of Jim’s head. That was a lot to put on a person who had just recovered from an extreme panic attack. The slap Walt had been thinking about earlier may still happen.

“What?” Zachary sat up as fast as he could with how badly his body ached. He knocked the hood off his head. “You love me…even though I messed up your night, spazzed out in front of everyone, and all that?” He shook his head.

“Well…not exactly.” Those words made even Henry, who had been attempting to not listen in, turn around. Walt stared at Jim in disbelief. Was he going to take away those words now that he’d said them?

“What?” Zachary frowned and started to pull away but Jim caught him.

“It’s not ‘even though’, Zachary.” Jim stated. “It’s not ‘even though’ those things happened. I love you as a whole. Not as ‘even though’.” He told his boyfriend with a small sigh. He looked down at the dirty cabin floor. Zachary stared at Jim for a few seconds before falling into him and wrapping his arms around him loosely. The panic attack had taken most his energy but he could manage the loose hug.

“I love you too, James Calvin Ferguson,” Zachary spoke with a smile and gently kissed Jim.

Before anything else could be said or done Henry brushed past Walt with two cups in his hands. He handed off one cup to Jim that said ‘#1 Dad’ and quickly explained it as Cady’s fourth grade project which made Jim and Zachary laugh. Then Zachary was given Walt’s favorite mug, a Broncos mug, and was told to be careful with it. Once they had their tea they settled into the couch. Jim sat upright and Zachary placed his legs over Jim’s and then leaned back against the arm of the couch. One of their Netflix marathon positions. Careful not to spill or drop the mugs, Jim put a protective arm around Zachary and held him close so he could rest his head on Jim’s shoulder and sip the tea, which was oddly sweet and nice.

At some point Henry had gone back into the kitchen only to emerge again with two more cups, this time of coffee. He and Walt settled down on the other side of the room and smiled at the cute picture the deputies made.

“What was that riddle thing you asked Zachary out in the car?” Walt looked over at Henry once everything had settled.

“Buddhism.” Henry told him. “If I remember correctly ‘Tathagata’ is a title for the Buddha.”

“Okay…but how’d you know Zachary would know?” Walt frowned at Henry, wondering when exactly his friend had brushed up on Buddhism.

“A few weeks ago Zachary was at the Pony when it was achingly slow. We had a conversation about Buddhism and that saying or riddle was brought up by him. We discussed it all at great lengths. I figured a mantra like that would help.” Henry sipped his coffee.

“Another thing—“ Walt was cut off.

“I have dealt with people who have PTSD and other anxiety-type disorders. I learned quickly how to handle a panic attack. There are four things to do.” Henrys started, holding up a finger for each thing. “Get their breathing deep and on pace, make them focus on something like a task or ‘game’, give them something to do with their hands, and keep them talking.” Henry explained. “I would have thought you had dealt with panic attacks in your line of work before.”

“I have. Just never learned how to actually take care of the person.” Walt shrugged and made mental post it notes of all that information just in case he needed it in the future. He looked up at Jim and Zachary and saw that Zachary was completely asleep and Jim wasn’t too far behind. The two mugs were empty on an over turned beer box Walt used as a side table. He looked back at Henry with a frown.

“Was that the tea you used to give Cady to get her to sleep? ‘Sleepy Tea’?” Walt narrowed his eyes at Henry who smirked behind his coffee which was all the confirmation Walt needed. “They won’t be leaving tonight, will they?”

“No.” Henry shook his head. “They will be asleep until morning. Although…I wish they had a better position.” He shrugged and looked back at Walt.

“We had plans.” Walt frowned and sagged heavily in the chair. “I never get to do the Fourth with you.”

“It is alright, Walt.” Henry shook his head. “We can still celebrate. It is not like we had been planning to shoot off fireworks.”

“I’m talking about a different kind of celebrating,” Walt said with a roll of his eyes. “One I will not do with them sleeping out here.”

“Hm…” Henry thought for a moment. “We could, if you are up for it, pull the Bullet around the back of the house and make up a bed in there.”

“We aren’t sixteen, Henry.” Walt shook his head.

“We could still fit, old man” Henry pointed out, teasing a little. “We could lay down more blankets for comfort and cushioning.”

“It’s fifty six degrees out, Henry.” Walt kept up his protests and hoped Jim had fallen asleep already.

“Luckily you have a heater.” Henry winked at him and stood up with his hand held out for Walt.

“…fine.” Walt sighed and took the hand so he could get up. “I’ll get the blanket. You get every available pillow.”

Walt may not have to hit Jim upside the head anymore but he sure felt like giving Henry a smack.

 


End file.
